


A FUCKING BROKEN CLOCK STUCK ON STUPID THATS STILL GONNA SAY SOMETHIN AWESOME TWICE A DAY IF YOU LOOK UP AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21522766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat watch a troll romantic comedy.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 19
Kudos: 202





	A FUCKING BROKEN CLOCK STUCK ON STUPID THATS STILL GONNA SAY SOMETHIN AWESOME TWICE A DAY IF YOU LOOK UP AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME

DAVE: whos this douchebag  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, STRIDER? YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK ME WHAT EVERYBODY’S NAME IS! JUST WATCH THE GODDAMN MOVIE! IT’LL TELL YOU!  
DAVE: what the hell youre supposed to be explainin things to me  
KARKAT: YEAH LIKE TROLL THINGS YOU WOULDN’T GET OTHERWISE.  
KARKAT: IF YOU CAN’T FUCKING FIGURE OUT THE NAME OF ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS, WE MIGHT HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS ON OUR HANDS THAN CULTURAL DIFFERENCES.  
KARKAT: NAMELY YOUR SEVERE MENTAL DISABILITY.  
DAVE: yeah but its way easier this way  
DAVE: cmon man you already gave me like a 20 minute spiel on your stupid quadrants you cant summon one dumb name?  
DAVE: i know you got your weird ass 6 letter name thing goin on thats just 12 letters cant you reach into your heart and pull out 12 more letters for your good pal dave  
KARKAT: NO, JUST WATCH THE FUCKING MOVIE!  
DAVE: no man thats so boring you gotta just tell me  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: ug please?  
KARKAT: OH WELL GOD DAMMIT. YOU WERE JUST TALKING SO MUCH THAT WE FUCKING MISSED WHEN THEY SAID HIS NAME.  
DAVE: oh noo  
KARKAT: OKAY FINE, THIS GUY’S NAME IS RAMDOS IGARRA. BUT THAT’S THE *ONLY ONE* I’M DOING FOR YOU, AND YOU BETTER FUCKING REMEMBER IT, TOO.  
KARKAT: FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD YOU’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO LISTEN LIKE A REAL PERSON WITH AT LEAST ONE PASSABLY FUNCTIONAL CIRCUIT BETWEEN HIS HEAR DUCTS AND HIS THINK PAN! YOU GOT IT?  
DAVE: ug fine now tell me about him  
DAVE: fuckin rando iguana  
DAVE: whats his deal  
KARKAT: OH SO YOU ACTUALLY WANNA KNOW? WE’RE ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO MY MOVIE? WE’RE NOT JUST SUBTLY TRASHING THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF MY CULTURE THROUGH CALCULATEDLY COOL DISINTEREST?  
DAVE: shit yes were payin attention we were always payin attention tell me all about rando i wanna know his hopes and his dreams i wanna know his weird ass made up astrological sign  
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE. *RAMDOS* HERE IS A CERULEAN. THAT MEANS HE’S SOMEWHAT IN THE MIDDLE, CASTE-WISE, BUT AT LEAST AMONG LAND-DWELLERS HE’S VERY WELL REGARDED.  
DAVE: oh lord thats right theres fuckin fish people too  
KARKAT: YES, THERE’S FUCKIN FISH PEOPLE. THEY DON’T COME INTO PLAY A WHOLE LOT IN THIS MOVIE, THOUGH, SO DON’T WORRY ABOUT THEM.  
DAVE: why dont the fish people have the blue blood  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: look i donno man its your planet  
DAVE: im just sayin is all  
DAVE: waters blue  
DAVE: stands to reason the water guys should be blue too  
DAVE: thats just common sense bro i dont make the rules  
KARKAT: YEAH WELL THEY AREN’T. THEY ARE VIOLET AND FUSCHIA. AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN ON THE SCREEN RIGHT NOW. SO CAN WE PLEASE JUST FOCUS ON-  
DAVE: cmon man you gotta admit i got a point here  
KARKAT: OH AND WHAT IS YOUR POINT, EXACTLY, STRIDER? THAT “WATER IS BLUE?” *THAT’S* YOUR BIG THEMATIC BOMBSHELL THAT’S GOING TO TURN LITERALLY MILLIONS OF YEARS OF MY ADVANCED SPECIES’ EVOLUTION ON ITS HEAD?  
KARKAT: YEAH YOU REALLY BLEW THAT ONE WIDE OPEN! THANK FUCK EVERYONE ON MY PLANET HAS ALREADY BEEN INCINERATED, BECAUSE THIS WOULD HAVE REALLY JUST BURNED THEM TO KINGDOM FUCKING COME!  
DAVE: hey you never know it mighta im a mover and a shaker  
KARKAT: WATER ISN’T EVEN BLUE, ASSHOLE.  
KARKAT: UNLIKE SAY I DONNO JUST TO PICK A TOTALLY RANDOM EXAMPLE OH HOW ABOUT RAMDOS’S BLOOD, WHICH IS WHAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!  
KARKAT: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT WATCH OUT, WE’RE COMING FULL FUCKING CIRCLE HERE! YOU BETTER DUCK SO THE ORIGINAL FUCKING SUBJECT OF THE CONVERSATION DOESN’T SMACK YOU IN THE FACE AND KNOCK ALL YOUR TEETH OUT!  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY ON SECOND THOUGHT, DON’T DUCK. STAND UP GOOD AND FUCKIN STRAIGHT, STRIDER. SEE THAT DISTRACTION OVER THERE? WHAT IS THAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOOK AT IT. TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS FOR ME. TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK AT IT AND PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE COLD IRON BAR OF THE SUBJECT OF OUR CONVERSATION HURTLING TOWARD YOUR WEIRDLY FLAT MOUTH STONES!  
DAVE: ugh fine just shut up and tell me some more about whats his face  
KARKAT: *WHAT’S HIS FACE* HAS CERULEAN BLOOD, JUST LIKE VRISKA. THAT MEANS HE HAS TELEPATHIC MIND CONTROL ABILITIES, JUST LIKE HER.  
DAVE: oh dang thats right mind control  
DAVE: thats why she got gamzee all fannin her with a big ostrich feather and not rippin out her throat  
KARKAT: EXACTLY.  
DAVE: shit guess im never pissin off vriska  
DAVE: OR gamzee  
DAVE: damn dude are you the only troll who likes just hangin out watchin movies and not fuckin murdering and brainwashing chumps?  
KARKAT: YES.  
KARKAT: OH LOOK PERFECT, SPEAKING OF GAMZEE, THIS MOTHERFUCKER WHO JUST SAUNTERED ON SCREEN IS A PURPLE BLOOD NAMED PYROWL FLAKKA.  
DAVE: :)  
KARKAT: OH GOD DAMMIT! NO MORE! THAT'S THE LAST FUCKING ONE. YOU'RE NOT A WIGGLER. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THIS YOUR DAMN SELF!  
DAVE: naw man this is better  
DAVE: im an aural learner i need the audio  
KARKAT: THE FUCKING MOVIE HAS AUDIO!  
DAVE: yeah but yours is better  
DAVE: its all right up in my ear  
DAVE: more of the sound waves get in there this way its science everybody knows that  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: please keep tellin me their names karkat its really helping youre such a good teacher  
KARKAT: UG.  
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE, I’LL KEEP TELLING YOU THEIR NAMES. AND I’LL KEEP JUST EXPLAINING EVERYTHING TO YOU, SHALL I? ACTUALLY WHY EVEN STRAIN YOUR EYES? WHY DON’T YOU JUST LIE DOWN AND HAVE A NICE LITTLE PEACEFUL REST WHILE SWEET NURSE KARKAT WHISPERS THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE INTO YOUR EAR AS YOU ARE WHISKED OFF TO DREAMLAND, WHICH AS WE NOW KNOW IS LITERALLY A PLACE.  
DAVE: yes please  
KARKAT: OH FUCKING OPEN YOUR EYES, STRIDER! I JUST SAID I'D KEEP TELLING YOU BASIC SHIT. JUST FUCKING STAY AWAKE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN AT LEAST HANDLE THAT??  
KARKAT: SO AS I WAS SAYING, THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS PYROWL, AND YES I DID SAY “MOTHERFUCKER” BOTH TIMES, BECAUSE THAT IS ACTUALLY HIS TITLE AND A TERM OF GREAT RESPECT IN THE CHURCH OF SUBJUGGLATORS.  
DAVE: oh my god dude  
DAVE: the JUGGALOS  
DAVE: i cannot BELIEVE  
DAVE: okay im wide awake now cause im just so fuckin mad  
DAVE: look when i first heard about gamzee i thought he was just a troll  
DAVE: like a human kinda troll like the aggressive joke kind  
DAVE: and then when i met him i thought he was just a complete lunatic  
KARKAT: HE IS.  
DAVE: yeah i know but like i assumed he was a solitary lunatic  
DAVE: actin on his own  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: man there are a lotta things i can handle about your planet  
DAVE: you all speak english?  
DAVE: great  
DAVE: you somehow have all the same movie stars just with horns?  
DAVE: bring it on i love it wouldnt have it any other way  
DAVE: but the fact  
DAVE: that juggalos  
DAVE: literally juggalos  
DAVE: are a master race of highly respected religious prophets  
DAVE: it boggles the mind  
DAVE: my mind is boggled  
DAVE: like count up all the eight letter words an get the high score that is how boggled my mind is  
DAVE: ...see boggle is-  
KARKAT: I KNOW WHAT FUCKING BOGGLE IS, DAVE!  
DAVE: you do?  
KARKAT: YEAH, WE HAVE BOGGLE.  
DAVE: motherfucker you have BOGGLE?  
KARKAT: YEAH. IT’S A FUN GAME.  
DAVE: and you dont call it like cube letter rearranging strut or whatever?  
KARKAT: NO WE FUCKING CALL IT BOGGLE. AND ANYWAY STRUT MEANS FOOT AND YOU SHOULD DAMN WELL HAVE PICKED THAT ONE UP BY NOW. THAT’S LIKE THE EASIEST ONE TO GET FROM CONTEXT!  
DAVE: you have juggalos and boggle  
KARKAT: YES. IT’S DISTRIBUTED BY PARKER BEETLES.  
DAVE: hey there it is  
DAVE: oh thank christ i was cravin some half-assed phoned-in bullshit alien lingo i was so sure i wasnt gonna get my fix this time phew  
DAVE: i dont even care if that was a joke im just so fuckin relieved  
DAVE: ... WAS that a joke?  
KARKAT: YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.  
DAVE: ahhhh  
KARKAT: CAN WE PLEASE KEEP WATCHING THE FUCKING MOVIE NOW, DAVE?  
DAVE: yeah sure  
KARKAT: OKAY SO NOW-  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: oh shit  
KARKAT: YEAH, SO NOW THE ACTION’S STARTING.  
DAVE: what uh  
DAVE: what quadrant am i lookin at here  
DAVE: i take it this is black?  
KARKAT: YEAH, THIS IS A PRETTY STANDARD INTRODUCTION TO THE PRIMARY CALIGINOUS RELATIONSHIP. JUST BOILERPLATE STUFF TO SET THE SCENE. AS SOON AS THE FIRST TWO TROLLS HAVE ENTERED THE FRAME IN THIS KINDA MOVIE, YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEE THEY’RE GONNA BE HATE-SNOGGING WITHIN A FEW MINUTES.  
DAVE: its like chekhovs tongue  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: oh so you fuckin have boggle but you dont have chekhov whos runnin this show anyway??  
KARKAT: COME ON DAVE, PLEASE JUST PAY ATTENTION FOR ONCE.  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T KNOW DICK ABOUT THIS QUADRANT SO THE LIKELIHOOD OF YOU ACTUALLY LEARNING SOMETHING IS SLIGHTLY HIGHER THAN USUAL.  
DAVE: kay fine  
DAVE: um wow  
DAVE: this is really gettin kinda... kinda rough  
KARKAT: EH, IT’S JUST SPADES FLUFF. IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING. IT’S PRETTY MUCH JUST WINDOW DRESSING.  
DAVE: jeez  
DAVE: dude i gotta say in an earth romantic comedy this shit would not be considered window dressing  
KARKAT: COME ON, IT’S NOT EVEN THAT BAD. NOBODY’S EVEN BLEEDING YE-  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: OKAY NEVERMIND.  
DAVE: holy hell  
DAVE: karkat seriously dude do you get off on this  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: shit i dont mean like you personally  
DAVE: i mean more like trolls in general  
DAVE: youre all into this kinda shit?  
DAVE: i know some humans are into some pretty heavy s&m kinda stuff and they seem happy enough but this seems i donno  
DAVE: meaner  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: oh god dammit i am fuckin up this cultural exchange so bad arent i im sorry man  
DAVE: i didnt mean to shit on your species weird ass hate porn  
DAVE: well maybe i did  
DAVE: but i didnt mean to sound so fuckin sanctimonious when i did it  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S FINE. UM.  
KARKAT: YEAH, THE BLACKROM THING IS PRETTY MUCH SOMETHING ALL TROLLS ARE INTO, I THINK. LIKE IT’S JUST VERY BASIC TO OUR UPBRINGING.  
KARKAT: BUT THE UH... MEANNESS? THAT VARIES A LOT MORE.  
KARKAT: LIKE I THINK SOME PAIRS ARE A LOT MORE ABOUT JUST RIPPING INTO EACH OTHER VERBALLY OR FUCKING UP EACH OTHER’S LIVES IN LITTLE INCONVENIENT WAYS. IT’S DEFINITELY NOT ALWAYS SO VIOLENT.  
KARKAT: BUT ALSO SOMETIMES IT TOTALLY IS.  
KARKAT: I MEAN WAS.  
KARKAT: ...ALTERNIA WAS A VIOLENT-ASS PLACE.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO REMEMBER, THIS IS A MOVIE, SO THEY HAVE A TENDENCY TO PLAY IT UP, JUST LIKE IN ALL YOUR SHITTY EARTH ROMANTIC COMEDIES.  
KARKAT: I MEAN DID EVERYONE ON EARTH ACTUALLY GO AROUND ACTING LIKE THOSE IDIOTS? AT LEAST THE IMPRESSION I’VE GOTTEN FROM YOU AND ROSE IS THERE’S A LOT LESS, UH... PRATFALLING.  
DAVE: hm  
KARKAT: LIKE DID YOU KNOW ANYBODY WHO ACTUALLY ACTED LIKE THAT?  
DAVE: i guess not  
DAVE: i mean to be totally fair i didnt really even know that many people period but i think i get your point  
DAVE: like its larger than life  
DAVE: and the people who are livin larger than life themselves are prolly just doin it cause thats what they saw happening in a movie and decided to emulate it  
KARKAT: EXACTLY.  
DAVE: damn did we just fuckin learn something from each other there?  
KARKAT: FUCKING PERISH THE THOUGHT.  
DAVE: dang  
KARKAT: OKAY ANYWAY, YOU CAN RELAX. WE’RE DONE WITH THE SPADES INTRO. AND UP NEXT IS THE ONE FUCKING QUADRANT YOUR SPECIES CAN SEEM TO UNDERSTAND, SO WE’RE IN FOR SOME SMOOTH FUCKING SAILING.  
DAVE: cool  
KARKAT: THIS IS HAFFAX TROPSI.  
KARKAT: HE’S A YELLOW BLOOD, AND HE’S RAMDOS’S MATESPRIT.  
DAVE: whoa  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: this is uh...  
DAVE: this is pretty fuckin uh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: tender  
KARKAT: YEAH, WELL RAMDOS GOT BEAT UP PRETTY BAD, SO HAFFAX IS TENDING TO HIM.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: sure are a lotta dudes kissin in this movie huh  
KARKAT: OH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT STRIDER!  
KARKAT: A LOT OF BULLSHIT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, AND I SUFFER IT GLADLY, BECAUSE I AM A KIND MAN. A GENTLE MAN, WHO IS WILLING TO SACRIFICE HIS OWN SANITY FOR THE SAKE OF HIS FRIENDS. BUT THIS IS TOO FUCKING MUCH!  
KARKAT: THE *ONE* QUADRANT IN THIS GODFORSAKEN MOVIE YOUR PITIFUL ALIEN SPONGE HAS EVEN THE TINIEST IOTA OF HOPE OF UNDERSTANDING, AND YOU’RE GONNA GET ALL STUCK ON THE “HOMOSEXUAL” THING!  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST LIKE FUCKING EGBERT ALL OVER AGAIN, EXCEPT I DON’T HAVE THE BLESSED RELEASE OF GOING BACK IN YOUR TIMELINE TO BEFORE YOU DECIDED TO BE THE BIGGEST LOBOTOMIZED MORON I’VE EVER HAD THE SUPREME MISFORTUNE OF WATCHING DROOL ALL OVER HIMSELF! I HAVE TO RIDE THIS MISERABLE METEOR FOR A WHOLE SWEEP AND A HALF WHILE I LISTEN TO YOU BLATHER ON ABOUT YOUR IDIOTIC NONSENSICAL HANGUPS!!  
DAVE: hey man calm the fuck down  
DAVE: im not john okay  
DAVE: im not gonna get my panties all in a twist just cause some dudes are gettin their kiss on in fronta me  
DAVE: its just  
DAVE: its interesting is all  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: it makes you think  
KARKAT: YEAH ABOUT WHAT?  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: okay i guess it makes me think about how back on earth some of my primo firepower was pretty darn heavily based in gay shit  
DAVE: like bashin on dudes sayin i thought they were probably secretly lustin after my sausage or some such nonsense  
DAVE: like i had other paints on my palette dont get me wrong  
DAVE: but that shit was pretty much my bread and butter  
DAVE: i know for a fact i used it on a buncha trolls when you guys were after us before we got in the game  
DAVE: and its just kinda funny to think about now  
DAVE: cause ive since realized how utterly useless those owns were  
DAVE: like i thought i for sure was just cleanin up  
DAVE: just completely moppin the floor with some delicate latent troll sexualities  
DAVE: but it turns out it woulda just meant jack dick to any of you  
DAVE: like if i was on alternia and i trucked out my usual arsenal of like flippant gay bashing or like leanin way into it and insisting that i was gay and wanted a piece of some hot juicy troll cock til i made the other dude cry...  
DAVE: it just wouldnt fuckin work  
DAVE: itd be like rippin on somebody for havin two ears  
DAVE: like good fuckin luck bro youre welcome to try but dont expect stellar results outta the whole process  
DAVE: if i was a troll and i tried on my usual shit, it would just fall on two perfectly normal deaf bisexual ears  
KARKAT: TRUE.  
KARKAT: AND IT PROBABLY WOULDN’T EVEN OCCUR TO YOU TO TRY, SINCE IF YOU WERE A TROLL YOU’D BE "BISEXUAL" TOO.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: so uh  
DAVE: these dudes sure have been kissin for a long time huh  
KARKAT: OH YEAH. THIS IS CLASSIC. AFTER A FIVE MINUTE CALIGINOUS INTRO, THERE’S GONNA BE A FLUSHED INTRO THAT’S AT LEAST THREE TIMES AS LONG.  
KARKAT: WE’RE IN FOR ANOTHER... SEVEN MINUTES OF THIS AT LEAST.  
DAVE: oh man  
KARKAT: ...DAVE I GOTTA LEVEL WITH YOU ABOUT SOMETHING HERE.  
KARKAT: THESE KINDS OF MOVIES... THEY’RE KNOWN FOR PANDERING TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR, AND THIS ONE IS ESPECIALLY GUILTY OF IT.  
KARKAT: ...IT’S GONNA BE ANOTHER THREE HOURS OR SO BEFORE WE GET TO ANY REAL PLOT.  
DAVE: whaaat  
KARKAT: YEAH...  
KARKAT: I MEAN IT WAS ALWAYS BAD, BUT IN THE LAST THOUSAND YEARS OR SO TROLL HOLLYWOOD HAS REALLY GOTTEN EXTRA BLOATED.  
DAVE: motherfucker wait  
DAVE: i am going to blow past the absolutely OBSCENE fact that your movies are apparently made in a place called TROLL HOLLYWOOD  
DAVE: just gonna drive by at a thousand miles an hour not lookin at the road rubberneckin out the window face all agog at that monstrosity  
DAVE: wistfully eyein it in my rearview mirror until it disappears from sight, a single tear rollin down my cheek at what mighta been  
DAVE: because i somehow have EVEN MORE IMPORTANT matters to attend to  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: how long is this movie  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (SIXTY HOURS.)  
DAVE: SIXTY???  
DAVE: LIKE SIX-*ZERO*?  
DAVE: DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT  
DAVE: CAUSE LEMME BE CLEAR, SIX*TEEN* WOULD STILL BE AN ABSOLUTELY UNGODLY LENGTH, THE MERE THOUGHT OF WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO LOOK FOR THE NEAREST DULL OBJECT TO GOUGE INTO MY EYES TO AT LEAST DECREASE BY ONE THE NUMBER OF SENSES I HAVE TO ABSORB THIS SHIT WITH  
DAVE: DO YOU HEAR THIS BY THE WAY? THIS SILLY LIL HYPERBOLIC RANTING THAT IM DOIN IN ALL CAPS  
DAVE: THATS YOUR THING BRO  
DAVE: I HAVE BEEN DRIVEN TO THE THEFT OF YOUR THING BY THE MEREST *PROSPECT,* THE SLIGHTEST *SUGGESTION* OF THE *IDEA* THAT I HEARD YOU CORRECTLY WHEN YOU SAID THIS MOVIE IS SIX-ZERO HOURS LONG  
KARKAT: YOU SUCK AT MY THING.  
DAVE: FUCK YOU IM AWESOME AT IT  
DAVE: NOW LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES KARKAT AND TELL ME FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR HEART THAT THIS GODDAMN MOVIE IS NOT TWO AND A HALF DAYS LONG  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY, DAVE. I’M AFRAID I CAN’T DO THAT.  
DAVE: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HOW FUCKING *DARE* YOU QUOTE ONE OF EARTHS LONGEST MOVIES AT ME AT A TIME LIKE THIS ARE YOU A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OR JUST A FUCKING BROKEN CLOCK STUCK ON STUPID THATS STILL GONNA SAY SOMETHIN AWESOME TWICE A DAY IF YOU LOOK UP AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OKAY, YOU ACTUALLY ARE PRETTY GOOD AT MY THING.  
KARKAT: AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE PERFECT TIME TO QUOTE THAT DUMB SPACESHIP MOVIE EVER SINCE WE WATCHED IT AND YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW LONG IT WAS.  
KARKAT: YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I DIDN’T TUCK THAT ONE AWAY FOR LATER? FUCKING THINK AGAIN.  
KARKAT: AND WHAT’S MORE, I FUCKING NAILED IT.  
DAVE: shit you really did  
DAVE: gog damn dude nice one  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OKAY LOOK, I’M NOT GONNA TOY WITH YOU ANYMORE, DAVE. THIS MOVIE IS INDEED... OH LOOK HUH IT’S ACTUALLY SIXY-*ONE* HOURS LONG.  
DAVE: ahhh  
KARKAT: BUT I GUESS WE DON’T HAVE TO WATCH *ALL* OF IT. ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE JUST GONNA GET ALL ICKED OUT AT THE ALIEN ROMANCE.  
KARKAT: SO HOW ABOUT WE JUST FAST FORWARD A FEW HOURS. WE’LL GET TO SOME PLOT. OR AT LEAST SOME LADIES. SATISFY YOUR STUPID HUMAN BABE-LUST, AT LEAST.  
DAVE: hey whoa slow down look we dont gotta fast forward  
DAVE: okay i think we both need to acknowledge that it is absolutely batshit bonkers that troll movies are the length they apparently are  
DAVE: and it was kind of a dick move for you to not tell me when i said id watch and i quote “all your weird ass alien haterommy chucklefuck bull donkey baloney” with you   
DAVE: operative word in that quote being ironically enough the only not silly one: “all”  
DAVE: there is no way im watchin alla these dude im sorry  
DAVE: but lord knows you sat through enough of my human movies by now to earn at least one troll movie outta me  
DAVE: even tho im pretty sure you like a lotta human movies more than i do  
DAVE: i mean seriously you wanna talk about my babe lust?  
DAVE: how bout we take a lil gander at your seann william scott lust  
KARKAT: COME ON, DAVE, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT HE’S ENCHANTING. HIS HAIR IS SO MANY COLORS.  
DAVE: yeah its called highlights and im like halfways convinced all those meteors came just to wipe all evidence of that lame ass trend off the face of the earth  
KARKAT: DID YOU EVER HAVE HIGHLIGHTS, DAVE?  
DAVE: shut the fuck up this isnt about me this is about seann william scott  
DAVE: i mean its about our cultural exchange  
DAVE: what im sayin is i am willing  
DAVE: for the sake of our friendship and for the sake of our respective species  
DAVE: to at least try to sit through this piece of shit movie without skipping forward  
DAVE: just as all those old dead troll hollywood execs intended  
KARKAT: WOW.  
DAVE: tis a far far better thing i do today karkat, than i have ever done, when i traveled through time fleecing some poor stupid crocodiles outta their nest eggs  
DAVE: or even before, when i sat in my room and drew some very very shitty comics on the internet  
KARKAT: I SERIOUSLY THINK I MIGHT CRY, DAVE. HELL, I DON’T WANT YOU TO SEE ME CRY. NOT LIKE THIS.  
DAVE: too fuckin bad im a goddamn hero and youre just gonna have to bask in my nobility and selflessness for the next sixty one hours  
KARKAT: I’LL TRY TO BE BRAVE LIKE YOU.  
DAVE: thats the spirit  
DAVE: now lets get back to watchin these dudes kiss each other oh what the hell are they braidin each others hair now?  
KARKAT: SHRUG.  
DAVE: troll romance is so fuckin weird i swear to god  
DAVE: okay fine whatever lets do this  
DAVE: lets watch until the sweet release of death takes us and we have to find each other as ghosts in a dream bubble to watch some more  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
DAVE: or maybe just until we pass out an then we can pick up where we left off tomorrow  
KARKAT: I ADMIRE YOUR COMMITMENT TO BOTH SCENARIOS.  
DAVE: thanks man  
DAVE: ok now grab that blanket and snuggle down bud were in this one for the long haul  



End file.
